Questions Men Need to Ask Before Committing
I’m smiling now, but reach for my steak and you just might lose a finger.
I’m a nice guy.
Not nice in a pandering for panties way, or even nice in a “Well, I haven’t been incarcerated since Easter of ’07, so that must mean I’m a pretty nice guy” way, but genuinely nice. Seriously. I’m a true point guard. I’m conscious and considerate of other’s feelings. I’m loved by animals, kids, cops, and 40-something cougars. I’m so rarely angered that sometimes, I’ll even pretend that I’m mad just to show a person they’ve done something most people would find upsetting, even if I personally don’t. I always tip. Generously. Random mousy white women ask me for cigarettes and directions. Middle aged men at basketball courts ask me for advice about their sons and make plans to introduce me to their nieces. (I usually decline. Nicely, though) I share and I care and sh*t.
But, although I’ve been blessed with this avalanche of unusually consistent (and relatively useless) niceness, there are a few things (prunes, the month of October, the moon, Entourage, etc) I unabashedly hate, and nothing draws my ire more than when people ask to eat food off my plate.
My girlfriend likes to eat food off of my plate.
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As you’ve probably inferred, this presents quite an issue for me. Our relationship is great in pretty much every other way, but when we’re eating together and she asks for a bite of my pizza–despite the fact that there are six perfectly healthy slices of pizza sitting in a box five freakin feet away–we might as well be Kat Stacks and Carmelo Anthony. Luckily, I’ve recently learned a bit of subterfuge. You see, she hates when I ask for a slip of whatever she’s drinking. (The nerve!!!) Now, whenever she asks for a bite of my burger, I calmly grant her request, and then mentally giggle two minutes later when I ask for a slip of her Vitamin Water and watch her reluctantly appease. Sure it’s not a win, but a lose/lose is better than nothing.
Although I still probably would have decided to pursue a relationship, I wonder how much different things would be today if I asked “Will you ask to bite my burger even if there’s still food on your plate?” when we first met. If anything I would have had a bit more time to plot a counter strategy and attack.
Anyway, while the burger biting situation is relatively insignificant, there are a few crucial, yet somewhat ignored, questions every man should ask before entering a relationship, typically unasked questions where the answer can be the difference between persistent headaches and perpetual happiness.
1. “Can you make yourself climax?”
Why this is important to ask: As flaky and indecisive as the female orgasm already is, entering a relationship with a grown and sexually active woman (virgins are excused) possessing a less than fisher-price understanding of and/or level of comfort with her own parts is like trying to bake a chocolate cake in a DVD player: It sounds like a good idea, at least until you start attracting mice.
And, since her lack of enjoyment probably ensures that she’ll start to look at sex as just another mundane relationship duty to be fulfilled, you’ll probably start to hate it (and her) too.
2. “Do you have good looking friends?”
Why this is important to ask: Actually, since we’ve already established numerous times (Yes. Numerous times) that women aren’t to be trusted when gauging the physical attractiveness of other women, you probably shouldn’t ask this question. Still, you need to do your own reconnaissance work to determine how attractive her friends are, just so you know in advance which ones to be nice to and befriend, and which ones you’re supposed to greet with a handshake or a one-armed deacon hug.
3. “Are you crazy?”
Why this is important to ask: If she immediately says “No”, she’s a liar and a gotdamn nutcase. If she immediately says ‘Yes”, she’s honest and a gotdamn nutcase. If she answers your question with another question (ie: “Why? Are you crazy, n*gga?“) or an adverb phrase (ie: “Only after the lights are on“) she’s a keeper.
4. “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”
Why this is important to ask: Even if she has no freakin clue about the answer to this question, most women worth their salt would will give you the same elevator speech they’ve been perfecting for a decade now.
“Well, first, when I’m done with my MBA, I plan to found my own Afrocentric container store company called “Kinte Cups“. I haven’t quite decided where I’m going to relocate though. Right now, I have it narrowed to either Richmond, VA or Jakarta, but…”
Again, even if she has absolutely no damn clue where she’s going to be 5 days from now, she’ll usually still give you that answer because she wants to give off the impression that she has all of her sh*t together, and isn’t planning on waiting on any man. Even if this is a lie, it’s a good sign that she’s willing to at least give the impression that she has and will continue to have a life outside of you.
But, if she says anything even close to “Hmmm, I don’t know. I’m kind of taking things one day at a time, playing it by ear, you know? We’ll see.”,
5. “Who is your ex?”
Why this is important to ask: Some acts are hard to follow. And some, well, some you just don’t want to follow.
That’s it for now, but I’m sure I’m missing a few. Guys, help me out here. Can you think of any other crucial (and usually unasked) questions you should ask before deciding to commit?
Also, ladies, you’re not getting off easy today. Are there any questions you should start forcing guys to answer before you agree to commit to us?